(EBOOK / KINDLE) [The Fifth Sorceress]
Uite possibly the worst book ever written It fails in every category Though not as bad as I expected given its reputation this is a pretty bad book Sometimes in instructive ways which is why I read it but also sometimes in amusing waysThis book really likes its infodumps They re heavy handed but what I find remarkable is that many times the infodumps describe things that the reader already learned in a previous infodump There are even some examples where the character themselves nows what is being infodumped to them and the person infodumping Penny Aggie Volume 2 knows thatAt the dramatic climax when all hope seems lost there are 18 solid pages of infodumping and reiteration of the plot And once the conflict is resolved and there are multiple time bombs in play the characters spend several pages standing around talking about random detailsFor a world in which functional magic exists everyone is comically incredulous about every new fantasy element they encounter At first it s funny when a 300 year old wizard is just gobsmacked by the slightest thing but eventually I became really sick of people s minds reeling at every opportunityIn that and many other aspects everyone in this book is an idiot There s a late moment where two characters have a conversation obliuely about something else and every single line gets a full explanation even though their metaphors are painfully obvious People are constantly angered or impressed by trivialities And after so much buildup and pretentious withholding of information here are the clever strategies to resolve the final conflicts1 Let every stage of the villain s plan succeed until they begin the ritual to destroy the world then bump their magic artifact and they all die Non villains are fine because magic2 When surrounded by enemy forces duel their leader start to lose then go Look over there and stab him when he isn t looking You are now the new leaderAs I said parts of this book are competent than I expected But that s damning with faint praise because nobody reads fantasy to trudge through mediocrity This was an interesting industry trainwreck to read but I have zero desire to read any What can I tell you about The Fifth Sorceress that you haven t already read in other better reviews Not much I suspect So in lieu of a real review here s a dumb trivia list SorryTHE TOP EIGHT THINGS YOU DIDN T KNOW ABOUT THE FIFTH SORCERESS8 The main unit of currency in the magical land of Eutracia is either the Kisa or the Kasi depending on which page you re on7 Our hero Prince Tristan a 30 year old man is defeated in a mock duel by the what s that behind you trick6 Prince Tristan also tries to play fetch with his horse This is treated will all seriousness by the author who appears to think horses are just big dogs5 Tristan inventsnife throwing Seriously He also invents the dumbest way possible to carry his nives in a uiver on his back Like arrows4 After their reign the Kings of Eutracia have the #choice to live forever and have magical powers In 300 years NONE of them have ever #to live forever and have magical powers In 300 years NONE of them have ever to do so3 Of all the magical races with which the author could have chosen to populate his epic fantasy land he chose Gnomes But not just Gnomes Garden Gnomes You now the little statues you see in suburban yards Yep They look just like that2 The people of Eutracia invented steel working before writing They also can t climb mountains or sail along a coast line Not Les Innocents kidding1 Evil sorceresses can t fish I don tnow why They just can tPlay me out Paul Where do I begin Honestly when I read through the first fifty pages of Fifth Sorceress I thought Hey this book ain t so bad What s with all the terrible reviews Then I arrived at the point where Tristan played catch with his horse and I thought Oh This isn t a fantasy story This is a series of monologues crafted in a shoddy manner to describe a fantasy world that is rampant with cliches and inconsistencies Every character in this book talks too much often engaging in aggravating one sided conversations sustained by lines consisting of Don t you I Was A Stranger know You must be wondering Are you surprised I will now tell you my scheme followed by In The Fifth Sorceress Robert Newcomb conjures a time and place wrought with exuisite detail characters vividly drawn and deeply felt and a history rich in glory and horror splendor and secrets We gave them a chance once long ago We offered to share power eually and in peace But they refused and chose war With them it was all or nothing Wizard against Sorceress Male against female Light against dark It is than three centuries since the ravages of a devastating war nearly tore apart theingdom of Eutracia In its wake those who masterminded the bloodshed a uartet of powerful conuest hungry Sorceresses were sentenced to exile with return all but impossible and death all but inevitable Now a land.
Robert Newcomb ó 0 reviewG in combination with a perfect chosen main character and a sage who carefully explains away any logical sollution to things makes this book infuriatingly bad The story itself is uite derivative from Tolkien and Robert Jordan with a magic stone which has all power and an army fro See my full thoughts here book fucking sucksNormally I d write some sort of introduction to this review that gives a general idea of my thoughts on this book as well as the broad strokes of why I feel that way and what sort of book this is But I think the phrase this book fucking sucks tells you exactly what you need to now let s dive right inSo this book takes place in the land of Genericfantasyworldia a place so bland you d swear it was of rice cakes and saltines It s a land of I t now wizards and shit There s no history to this world no sense of scale or politics no culture or religion nothing that makes it interesting or uniue in any way Several characters spend pages upon pages monolouging fuck you spellcheck that s a real word about magic and what it does yet I never got any sense of how it works or what it s limitations are Why don t the sorceresses just blow everyone at the palace up Why can t Wigg use his powers all of a sudden What exactly makes Tristan special All of these uestions and will not be answeredThree hundred years ago Genericfantasylandia was gripped by a conflict called The Sorceress War which was only ended with the final four sorceresses being exiled to their hopeful deaths Well spoiler alert there s a fifth sorceress that s causing trouble Meanwhile Tristan our protagonist and prince of Genericfantasylandia is whining about his responsibilities and generally being a man child He s also the chosen one because fuck putting effort into making your characters interesting because of what they do just say they re born special And then stuff happens he goes on an adventure to save the world apparently Robert Newcomb thinks that no other plots exist and he fights bad guys You The Lives of Stay-at-Home Fathers: Masculinity, Carework and Fatherhood in the United States know exactly what s going to happen in this plot and there are no twists or mysteries toeep you interestedTristan is a dumbass On several occasions he rushes into danger because he can t stand to see others in danger While this almost sounds like an interesting character flaw he does it so often that you begin to uestion if he doesn t have some sort of undiagnosed Asbergers syndrome Not only that he s directly rewarded for his stupidity a few times And his constant uestions about magic start off obvious and get obvious as time goes on The other characters are similar The only one that s okay is Wigg the standard old mentor who is unflinchingly loyal to the protagonist While he isn t very original he is likable and badassBut that doesn t cover it the book is worse than that See this entire generic plot and cliched list of cardboard cutouts posing as characters is given to us in the form of pages and pages of monologues given by both the characters and the narrator Why let us figure out that Tristan is a good swordsman on our own when we could just read a page where he thinks about how good he is That s how storytelling works right When you have a creature that literally introduces itself by saying I am a wiktor or multiple women being described as the most beautiful woman he had ever seen you now that this book is broken beyond repairThe one positive of this book which takes it from a 110 to a 210 is the violence There is some depraved sadistic violence in here of the physical psychological and sexual varieties Bodies being mutilated heads being strung onto ropes women being raped until they die and then piling their bodies up to the height of a house this gets fucked up The violence is exploitative and stupid and doesn t add much to the story but it is legitimately the only thing that gives this pile of words any sort of uniue identity If not for that this book wouldn t stand out in any way whatsoeverI hate this book Not only
it suck uncounted hours of my life it looked promising enough that I threw away 899 of my hard earned money Stay away from this garbage for your own sake. Ence of Eutracia depends upon it For after these long centuries of peace dreadful omens have begun to appear heralding something too unspeakable to ponder And if indeed the old evil has returned hungry to wreak vengeance Tristan's role in an ages old prophecy must be fulfilled or the cost to his ingdom and his people will be beyond imaginationIt will be a battle like none ever nown against an enemy whose thirst for blood and domination is depthless and unyielding And for Tristan it will be the ultimate challenge facing an adversary whose greatest weapon is the person he loves most transformed into the instrument of his annihilation and the catalyst that will doom Eutracia forever to darkness. Erciless pages of boring exposition When a savage beast like creature appeared and introduced itself with I am a wiktor followed by 2 pages of exposition about its own nature origin and motivation I now that I was in for a delightful rideEven with all those pages of expositions the world of Eutracia is painfully bland and uninteresting Here s a 1,000 Awesome Writing Prompts kingdom ruled by aing and his ueen and a Directorate of wizards and that s it No visuals come to my mind It s a Moonrise (Snowfall, kingdom like any other ruled by idiotic wizards and aing with a manchild as a #Son The Main Character #The main character is thirty but acted as if he were fifteen The ingdom ruled by the good wizards is bright and sparkly as opposed to the ingdom ruled by the evil sorceresses which is dark and gloomy Every chapter contains several fantasy cliches that are painful to read and the treatment of women in this book borders on insulting I felt no tension as I approached the climactic event of this book because the main character was a Chosen One who obviously would not fail in his uest no matter whatI am of a character person than a plot person and can usually forgive a bad plot as long as the characters are interesting but Fifth Sorceress does not even have characters they have cardboard cutouts of real humans Aside from Tristan characters exist in this book solely for the purpose of expositions and after the first hundred pages or so I was so numbed by it that I don t even remember characters names any aside from Tristan and his wizard companion Newcomb did not even bother describing most of his male characters but described all the female ones in excruciating details with respect to their sex appeal and garments Why is it that every time Tristan saw a woman the first thing he thought of was She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen This happened at least three times in the book with nearly the exact same wordingThe only reason why anyone would want to read this book is when he or she has read a few books written by actual good writers and are looking for some laughs The contrast between this book and those written by other established fantasy writers is so stark that every page appears humorous I certainly enjoyed The Fifth Sorceress in a so bad it s good sense Perhaps you would too This may be the worst fantasy book I ve ever read The characters were silly and the plot was ridiculous I can t say enough bad things about it Avoid it like the plague Lol literally the worst book I have ever read This is just a nostalgia review 14 year old me Hello, Snow! knew this book was awful And 14 year old me stillinda loved Dragonlance soWHICH IS ENTERTAINING AND ENJOYABLE AT LEAST AND I GAVE IT LIKE 4 NOSTALGIA STARS ON HERE Uneven fantasy debut with some great ideas and some murky writing The world is pretty interesting a mist enshrouded ingdom isolated by magic from any neighboring countries and burdened with the memory of a horrific 300 years ago civil war lead by a coven of evil sorceresses The main character Prince Tristan the chosen one based on an incredibly elastic and constantly referenced ancient book length prophecy is sort of a cardboard cutout of a pretty uninteresting late teens bored and irresponsible prince until an invasion and royal tragedies compel him to vow revenge on the sorceresses who have been living in exile for 300 years and launch himself on an adventure Post vowing revenge he is slightly interesting than before although he eeps falling inexplicably in love with like within an hour of meeting serioulsy dull women during thedid it suck
adventure who almost immediately die on him It is one of thosewho almost immediately die on him It is one of those where the writer Mastering the Art of Saying No Without Feeling Guilty: Tips, Techniques and Strategies keeps vi Homophobic Sexist Misogynistic Rapey cliche worldbreaking the worst prose Ever put to paper This makes twilight look like a work of art Garbage worst book ever written YES Jesus christ this guy hates women I read this book twice the second time just to reaffirm if I really remembered accurately from the first time how bad it was My memory did not deceive meThe amount of implicit hate towards women who are either passive virgin saint types or whore witches out for seamen no I am not jokin. Of peace and plenty protected and guided by a council of immortal wizards Eutracia is about to crown a newing And as the coronation approaches the spirit of celebration fills every heart Except onePrince Tristan is a reluctant monarch to be Though born with the endowed blood that will give him the power to master magic and destined by tradition to succeed his father as ruler he is a rebel soul And when he discovers the ancient hidden caves where strange red waters flow possessed of their own mysterious magic it only makes him yearn all the to escape his future of duty and succumb to the stirrings of enchantment within himBut than tradition compels Tristan to ascend the throne The very exist.